NEWSFLASH…..brought to you by some ridiculous newschannel on one of the 2000 channels of nothing that you pay Cox Communication for…… “15 Harrowing Seconds of Turbulence on Flight blah blah blah”….15 HARROWING seconds, folks, not just any ol seconds but HARROWING seconds…(I don’t think we are using the word “harrowing” enough….this is your assignment….utilize the word “harrowing” at least once today)…..they start talking to passengers and one guy just starts crying…he’s bawling in the airport about these 15 seconds…I look at Damian, Damian looks at me and says “that guy is never gonna live that down”…(the man could discover a cure for cancer….invent a car that runs on Tempe tap water AND pinpoint the exact location of Jimmy Hoffa’s body and would STILL never live down the river of tears he cried when it came to the 15 MOST HARROWING SECONDS OF HIS LIFE)……they continue talking about turbulence and they actually, get this, have one of their reporters go into some turbulence simulation thing..(slow day in the newroom?)..so he can report just how harrowing 15 seconds of turbulence can be…(“frightening…just frightening”, he says about as thrilled as someone reading off their grocery list…as he steps off the ONE FOOT PLATFORM back to the ground….yes folks, in this NEWFLASH dramatic reenactment they put him in a simulation 1 ft off the ground…..super comparison, folks, why not drop him in the tiger cage at the zoo after giving the tiger a swift kick in the ass and THEN interview him about 15 HARROWING SECONDS)….then they have some turbulence expert (people go to COLLEGE for this shit?)..discuss exactly what happens to the body during turbulence…(“increase heart rate”….are you KIDDING me?….I would never think my heart would be racing in 15 seconds of HARROWING TURBULENCE…I do not remember Turbulence Expert being a degree available at ASU but I’m thinking this guy was a soild C- student here…..Turbulence Expert, my ass, they probably grabbed some poor flunkie who’s job is to get Starbucks for the newsroom and threw him on the set “ok Bob, today you’re a Turbulence expert….GO”)…..they show more crying passengers…one man even drops to the ground and kisses it…(lets just throw him in the Cure Cancer find Jimmy Hoffa file as well)……15 Harrowing Seconds of Turbulence, ladies and gentlemen…..and the closer…the last line…my absolute favorite…….”Statistics show more people are killed by meteors then by turbulence….back to you, Jan”….
