A Funny Thing Happened on the Way from Emissions…..
Now hopefully as you are reading this, emission are no longer required for motorcycles in Arizona. At least that’s the buzz I heard…something along the lines of not needing it after June 21, 2013….but alas, that was no good to me as my tags expired in May and I found myself sitting in line at emissions on a balmy hundred and six degree day in June. It was quite easy and painless and I would have had no complaint whatsoever had I actually got off my ass and done it in 90 degree May……this story is not technically about Emissions…but instead where I shall rightfully and dutifully assess the blame for what was probably my WORST eyelash malfunction EVER leading to the loss of the only street cred I have…..my Hustler Gloves….
Now you all know about my fake eyelashes and challenges that arise from them while riding. When they come loose they resemble a wounded bat fluttering around my eyeball in my peripheral vision. Now 99.9% of the time, they just come loose, hence the wounded bat…..if they actually flew off, there would be no obstruction of my peripheral vision….capish?….but a funny thing happened on the way from emissions….just a weird and fluky kind of thing (not sure fluky is a word, but once the Oxford Dictionary added the word “whatevs” I have taken the liberty of making up any and all new words with reckless abandon…..come on….fluky is a thousand times better than “whatevs”…..sigh…but I digress…..where was I?…oh yeah…wounded bat). So I’m cruising down Greenfield Rd with the flow of traffic…maybe 45 mph when my eyelash not only decided to fly off…but STICK to the inside of my glasses! Forget the wounded bat, folks, now my line of sight no longer sees Greenfield road but instead the equivalent of a big fat tarantula….I’m in the middle lane, I cannot pull over…so I pull my left glove off with my teeth and shove it in my crotch and attempt to scrape away the “tarantula” off the inside of my glasses while going 45 mph down the middle lane of Greenfield road. (Did I mention I’m one of those people that NEVER takes a hand off the handlebars?….did I mention that the only cool riding gear I have are my Hustler gloves?)…..so I finally finagle the damn eyelash loose…flick it away…proceed to have a full on 4 year old hissy fit and grab the other eyelash, peel it off and flick it away at the EXACT second I hit one of those manhole covers and let’s take it in slow mo now….flick eyelash to ground while simultaneously hitting manhole cover….my ass is airborne for 1 millisecond….and whoosh…there goes my Hustler glove…..NOOOOOOOOOO….I scream to nobody and everybody at the same time…..NOOOOOOOOOO (we’re still in slow mo here….don’t deny me the slow mo). It was…and still is…a very sad moment in the annals of AJ riding…..if I were CAPABLE of making a u turn I would’ve went back for it…but if we’re just talking fantasy here, then let’s pretend I have Andrew Griffy skills and just sorta drift in sideways so low my knee scrapes the ground and I just swoop that sucker up, never breaking a sweat…LIKE A BOSS….(yeah…in my dreams) …anyway I completely, rightfully and dutifully blame Arizona Environmental Quality, aka emissions, for this entire scenario…..because I can….that is all….
(Note to Self: when riding please shove any and all important stuff down your pants…forcefully)