“Mangos, Manscaping and Why Cosmo Hates Men” A public service announcement from AJs Rants.
I have come to the conclusion that Cosmopolitan Magazine secretly hates men. It’s the ONLY plausible explanation as to why they teach women the things they do. I imagine a secret “men hater” group all sitting around a table with their cats and cheap box wine making stuff up and just laughing. We aren’t talking about nuking the planet here folks, but simply small ways to really screw up a man’s sex life and psyche. Case and Point; Cosmo, March 2010 Issue, Title: Extra Creative Ways to Please Your Man. Number 4: “Tie a shoelace around the middle of his penis, flick your tongue like a snake on the tip of his penis while moving the shoelace up and down his shaft.”…….I shit you not…..I repeat….I…shit…you….not……Can we all just have a moment of silence here for every man who is picturing this entire scenario in his head while making the “you have GOT to be shitting me” face…… Maybe they should have titled it: Extra Creative Ways to Give Your Man a Coronary. How about Number 5: Take a fine tooth comb and gently run it up and down his penis, there are so many nerve endings in his penis and the teeth from the comb will drive him crazy…….again, folks, I shit you not. Now I’ve never been a man therefore by default I do not have a penis but I’m PRETTY sure the words “teeth” and “penis” should never be used in the same sentence…..and wouldn’t the guy be thinking that maybe you were going to be doing a little manscaping if you took a comb down there?……..Now once again, I’m just speculating here folks but I’m pretty sure that there is only one thing a man wants you to do if you’re down there and a shoelace and a comb ain’t got nothing to do with it. Number 2: Use a Mango; “As ice in your mouth might be too cold, we suggest chewing up a mango, do not swallow it, then providing him oral pleasure, (any fruit will do but we do not recommend anything too acidic)……Folks…I….I just….I just don’t even know where to go with this…..So now we have a mouth full of mango and penis….meanwhile at John C Lincoln…….Number 1: Cotton Ball, “take a cotton ball and gently trace his entire shaft and testicle area, the barely there feel will drive him crazy”……the “barely there” feel…..once again, I’m just spitballin here (no pun intended) but SERIOUSLY?!…..I’m pretty sure the LAST thing he wants when you head south (no pun intended) is a “barely there” feel……I’m pretty sure he gets the same sensation from his boxers with extra downy……So let’s recap shall we?….according to Cosmo, we need to bring a shoelace, mango, comb and cotton ball to bed to please you in Extra Creative Ways…..now you see it?…the “Men Hater” group around that table…the crazy cat ladies with cheap Chardonnay and the stench of disdain laughing hysterically at these ideas ….the worst part?….I can’t help you….I can only warn you….you see, since the 1960’s women have taken the sex tips from Cosmopolitan as gospel…….So praise the sweet Lord Baby Jesus and hope for an illiterate woman.
No Mangos, Man Haters or Cotton Balls were harmed in the making of this story. AJsRants does not condone any of the Extra Creative Ways listed above. Consult your doctor if your erection lasts longer than 4 hours, and for the love of all things holy, hide your combs and cotton balls.