I Will Not Molest Bradley Cooper, Said No Woman Ever

So your tire is a little low?….No big deal right?….this is never a reason for panic…..unless you are unfortunate enough to be in Young Arizona on a Monday night at 9pm.  I like to tell people that Young is like Rip Van Winkle, the town that went to sleep for 100 years.  Doesn’t  matter if you were there 2 years ago or 20….the town never changes because lets face it folks…there is no town, 2 churches and 1 little store do not qualify as a town.   9pm….I pack up the dogs, pack everything up, do a quick run through of the house to make sure all the lights and fans are off and I walk outside and SON OF A BITCH!…my back tire is low….kinda bad low….if you’re a girl and you notice your tire is low then its probably a really bad low.  So I call home…”my tire is low….not TOO bad…you think I can make it home like this?”…..”No, AJ, blah blah…too many curves…. Blah blah…the way you drive that mountain……blah blah…..heat up…..blah blah …..bead…..blah blah”……Translation: Find air.  Ok….got it….now mind you its 9pm in Young so everything….well the store, which qualifies as everything, closed at 6 and the 2 bars aren’t  even open on Monday.  I call my neighbor and he informs me that Pleasant Valley Tire has an air compressor outside the shop…..just look for the hose on the north side of the building…..ok, off I go.….now its pitch black outside as there are NO street lights in Young and I have my handy dandy flashlight app on my phone.  I’m wandering around the pitch black perimeter of Pleasant Valley Tire not sure if I’m going to encounter The Texas Chainsaw Massacre or some  wacko country  snake that disguises itself in  the form of an air hose to confuse it’s dumbass city victims  and at this point, which is really the lessor of two evils?….As long as I don’ t mistake the snake for an air hose, pick it up and shove it into my tire,  I’ll probably be ok….. I notice there are lights coming from down the road……why are there lights in Young?….Waaaaaaayyyyyyy too much light for Young…..looks like Yankee Stadium…..hmmmm…..lets check it out……Now folks, I’ve seen my share of movies and I’ve never actually wandered into a real Military installation but this is the first thing that comes to mind as I approach…..security….lights….borders….fencing….generators….guys in uniform….looks like something out of  movie…..the security guard waves at me as I pull in….hmmm….I guess a dirt covered Ford Expedition with a flat tire makes the cut…..now I am known as the Queen of Oblivion for a reason, folks, this is a title I have most unfortunately earned….and now it’s starting to come together….hundreds….I shit you not…. hundreds of firetrucks are here….Tucson Fire….San Carlos Fire….Hellsgate Fire….(where the hell is Hellsgate?)….Payson Fire….and I remember helicopters flying over my house all day…..not to mention the truly frightening clouds of smoke, like nothing I had ever seen in my life to the north east of my house……I pull up to a mobile building in the front, still in awe of what I am seeing here…..there are about 10 firefighters standing in front of the building….I get out….”Excuse me, do you guys have any  air here?….I need air for my tire”…..not a ONE OF EM says a word but they all point to the ground…..I look down and there is a guy with an air hose putting air in one of the truck tires…..he stands up and smiles and says “darlin, I just may be the man you’re looking for”…..THAT, my friends, just may be the UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE #@!#  CENTURY….I look at him….I look at the 10 firefighters in front of me…I look at the 50 milling around to the right of me and another 50 or so to the left…..Holy  McBarbie, Batman…..I just wandered into EVERY WOMANS FANTASY……Right here in Young Arizona…..Un…effing…believable…..I’m literally speechless and that my friends, ain’t an easy task……..so this Bradley  Cooper look alike walks over and says “can you open your door, darlin,  so I can see how much air you need”…..(Can I disrobe immediately and jump in your arms?…why yes, thank you very much, I’d love to)…..he says “what are you doing in Young?” …(why yes, I could be convinced to have your children….perhaps we should begin practicing right here and now ?)…..”So you have a place here?…thats cool…I’m just up here working”….(what?…you’re looking for a  blonde/redhead to rock your  world?…well….look no further)……”Are you here by YOURSELF?…You come up HERE alone? ( I look at the dirt figuring I could easily draw him a map to my house…if I could only find a stick)……”wow….don’t you think that’s a little dangerous?”….as if on cue…Cracker sticks her head out the window to assess the situation….”oh..at least you have protection”, he says laughing…..(oh Sweet baby Jesus in a handbasket….does the man have a chipped tooth?…you know what I sucker I am for a chipped tooth)…..he stands up and says “Well…..looks like your good to go…no…wait…lemme check one more thing” and be begins rubbing his hands all over my tire…..(you….have….GOT…to….be …..shitting….me)….”nope, I don’t feel anything….no nail or anything protruding from your tire”…(note to self…never wash tire again….better yet…find ANYTHING sharp and impale myself, hoping he’ll feel compelled to check my body as well)…… ”Well…..be safe”, he says, “ uhhh…..nice meeting you”….I stand there like a deer in the headlights for a second, hoping to God that I’ve kept all this as an INNER MONOLGUE…..I stutter “Th –thanks…thanks so much” and  I jump in my truck and leave…..no I did not ask his name…no, I did not offer mine……and most importantly,  no actual firefighters were molested in the filling up of AJ’s tire…….yet.