“Betty White, Twinkies, and the Economic Decline of the Western Hemisphere”
A Public Service announcement from AJsRants
At some point it’s just too much….that point where you say “what in THEE hell is going on in this world?”….when mankind messes with something so natural, so normal…..when the common man plays god with something we have enjoyed for generations and generations….when the gods of your every day life yank that rug out from underneath you….yeah….it happened to me yesterday….a moment so shocking and baffling that all you can do is stand there with your quarters in your hand in catatonic shock and awe.
If for some reason I haven’t mentioned it before, the Gilbert Library is one of my favorite places in the whole wide world. Well, any library, actually, but this is MY library. I know where everything is, I know all the people that work there and although everything is free I make my substantial contribution weekly by forgetting to return my library materials. (At least once a week you will hear me say “ugh..I need to return my books before the library issues a warrant for my arrest”….apparently they do NOT actually issue a warrant for your arrest, but if they did, rest assured, my friends, it would be me…..could you just imagine me at 4th Avenue Jail trying to explain to my fellow unfortunate incarcerated “roomies” my reason for my unfortunate incarceration?….”I didn’t return my library books….books…..you know…reading?….left right top to bottom?”……but I digress)……now yesterday it just so happened that when I walked into the library my stomach was growling so loudly it was kind of embarrassing, so I pulled 4 quarters out of my purse and meandered over to the vending machine. I honestly cannot remember the last time I bought anything from a vending machine…. 5 years?….10 years?….and the vending machine at the library is smack dab in between a Coke machine and Pepsi machine…so I’m kind of looking at my purse as I approach the vending machine and when I look up….I ….I just….I just could NOT believe my eyes…..this has GOT to be a joke right?….what kind of sick, twisted, sadistic, madman would load a vending machine full of HEALTHY STUFF?!!…..Powerbars… Nutragrain bars….Kashi bars…..KASHI BARS?!….Baked potato chips?…are you f**cking kidding me right now? ….FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY CAN I JUST GET AN EFFING SNICKER BAR?!!…..what kind of sick sadistic vending lunatic even puts this crap in a machine?…..obviously someone who does not want to make any money….WHAT HAPPENED TO CAPITALISM?!….this machine is MOCKING the ENTIRE ECONOMY of the Western Hemisphere……how about I open a bar with no alcohol?……”uhhh…can I get a bud light?”…….”nope, how about a Sugar free Snapple?”……”uhhhh….how about a Jack & Coke?”……”how about a Electrolyte enhanced water with a complimentary Kashi bar and a straight razor to slash your wrists?”……maybe I’m over reacting (said no woman ever)…..maybe one day I’ll actually try a kashi bar (while simultaneously launching myself into oncoming traffic)….in the meantime, I’m just stuck on the poor Snicker bar taking the fall…..the entire decay of the health of the Western Hemisphere resting solely on the shoulders of one defenseless Snicker bar…Good God,man, isn’t it enough that the Twinkie, a staple in the diet of the last TWO GENERATIONS WAS LAID TO REST?!…..WE MUST RISE UP PEOPLE!….WE MUST BOYCOTT THIS INSANITY!……(kashi bars and baked chips my ass…..not on my watch people…..not on my watch)
(No Twinkies, Snickers or Vending guys were harmed in the making of this story….Canadian quarters suck and anybody caught with them should be hanged…..The Snickers commercial with Betty White rocks, “you’re playing like Betty White out there”….”thats not what your girlfriend said” …..THAT, my friends, is marketing at its finest….